No Appointments Needed

Every time I call the Govt. offices here in Chennai, the conversation goes something like this with the receptionist: "May I have an appointment to see Mr...... " she replies, " Madam, sir is not here today, but he will be here tomorrow, and you can come tomorrow" I say with a gush of gratitude, "Thank you, what time is convenient for him?" She replies, "Well, he will be here the whole day, and so you just come in, and if he is free, he will see you...." I press on "So, would morning be okay?" She replies impatiently, "Madam, you just come...... and we will see if he is free". This conversation has occurred several times the last month, and one of my acquaintances who has a nonprofit here advised me to "just go camp there, and if he sees you two or three times, then they he will know that you are serious and then he will see you..... You have to be very patient Nalla....." What no one seems to care about is that perhaps you have other things to do in the day other than "camping" in front of strange offices in over a 100 degree temperature with just fans blowing hot air on you .....

Remember, everything in the Indian culture functions through relationships (I have none to write home about of course) .... and somewhat haphazardly too..... I mean, what if you land there and the guy's office is packed with people? Well, that does not seems to matter much as I recently found out ...... A couple of days ago, when I was briefly visiting my mother, her housekeeper introduced her cousin, a 26-year old young man who had been unemployed the last three years.... he has a BA in Engineering (intrumentation to be specific). Since he is fatherless and the only son, he has a huge responsibility to support his widowed mother and two high 20-something sisters (ready to be married, but can't afford to). After listening to his heartbreaking story, my Mother spurred into action..... she dragged him and me to a very influential man in town who owns several businesses and wealthy enough to own several homes worldwide.... (by the way, most of the job placements among the poor and "uninfluential" also happens because you are related to the cousin of your neighbor's mother-in-law). I hesitantly asked if she had called him for an appointment or at least asked him if it was okay for us to drop by (fully realizing that she hadn't and hoping to remind her of that) to which she said that it was not needed..... yes, she had seen him a couple of times before to do some money exchanges, and yes, he will of course see her ......... She picked up the phone, called for a taxi to pick us up right away and off we went.....

When we got off the elevator and stepped out, we were ushered in by a couple of security guards, secretaries, and a few others just hanging around outside the big boss's air-conditioned office enjoying some relief from the sweltering heat .... A few more steps , and we were inside the office .... grateful recipients of the cold draft blowing from several units.


Even as I enjoyed the blast of cold air, I wondered why nobody had bothered to ask us any questions like "Who are you?" or "Do you have an appointment?" Hmmmm...... and as I pondered this, the big boss nodded at us from behind his impressively large table and gestured graciously for us to join him ...... well, there was a slight problem.... there were already four other men sitting across from him at the desk with a large open map that had blotches of different colors, and from the loud discussions and note-taking, I brilliantly speculated that they were in a pretty serious meeting! I stood awkwardly hesitating not sure what to do..... Mother pushed me from the back into an empty seat at the desk and I was too shocked with the scenario before me to say even a "Good morning". Mother kindly pointed that out to me..... but it was too late..... by now the gentlemen had resumed their discussion again ..... and we were now the reluctant audience seated with them at the desk!


I tried to ignore the contents of their discussion and almost felt guilty for eavesdropping.... but had no option other than to stare at the map and the big boss alternately.... so I don't look like I am ignoring his presence (which is a huge offense here). In a few minutes tea was served for all and again I wondered if this was just awkward for me.... and then suddenly one of the eight phones facing Mother rang, and the Boss twirled in his chair and effortlessly had a brief conversation over the phone, and since he was facing Mother, he began to make small talk to her..... she introduced me, and for a moment I had his full attention..... he politely enquired about me and my family, and then just as suddenly pointed something on the map and seamlessly continued the discussion with them! After this happened about three times - switching between the map discussion, and friendly conversation with us, the men at the table became a bit restless and one began to press the big boss for some cash.... Awkward! Isn't this supposed to be a private conversation??? Well, they had no choice of course, and a full ten-minute of persuasions later the big boss got up and the man got up to follow him, convinced that either his sob story or his other truly compelling reasons had worked..... but the big boss gestured for Mother and me to follow him ..... again I was slow, mesmerized by the "happenings" and Mother had to nudge me out of the chair that I had been praying to disappear into.... and whispered rather loudly "He's calling for us....GO" and she invited the young man who had come with us and who had been virtually invisible so far to follow us.


Big boss unlocked an adjoining small door, turned on the lights, the air-conditioner and bid us to come in and tell him why we were there very quickly .... Mother introduced the young man, and explained that he needs a job, and described his sad state succinctly. Now he turned his attention to the young man and asked him for his resume..... flipped through the couple of pages impatiently and advised him sternly, "You need to have your father's details here..... you know, you need to honor your parents.... yes, I know that he is no more, but you need to have his name, and a few details about him....." and the young man nodded vehemently agreeing with him of course.... "You also need to enclose here all the copies of your degrees, diplomas, and passport with your photo....... and, tell me specifically the companies and the positions that you are interested in..... I can't be finding out these things for you...... but if you let me know, I can call them up and tell them to give you something....." His phone rang, and he said something about going out to dinner..... got off the phone, and pleasantly explained to us that his friend had just opened up a restaurant facing the ocean, and he was obliged to pay him a visit ..... and stood up politely gesturing us to a nearby door that put us right in front of the elevators..... Mother said that it was a very successful meeting and was sure that the young man will be helped soon..... I pray that she is right!

On Education, Rules, Relationships, and Obligations

I've noticed a very interesting reply from parents to whom you ask conversationally, "So, how old are your kids?" 9 out of 10 of them will reply, "My daughter is now studying......" or "My son is just completing ...... year in College", and never the age! Actually after they tell you what grade their children are studying, it takes a moment for them to process their age... They sought of pause, and recall the year of birth, calculate the years, and then tell you, if you continue to stare at them expectantly! I am inclined to conclude that the typical middle class professionals that I am interacting with, place a very strong emphasis on educating their children - for the well-being of the child, as well as for the respect of the family.......

I notice that a few people in my neighborhood who have their names written outside the front door have all their degrees following their names! So it looks something like this: N. Sundarajan, B.A., M.S., MLA., and a few more typically, that I have never seen before!! Of course all the wedding invitations will list the parents' degrees, as well as the bride and groom's degrees, as well as the conducting Priest or Pastor's degrees!

You have heard that in Asian cultures relationships play a very important role ...... well, let me rephrase that: In the Indian culture, you need relationships to accomplish anything ..... be it opening a Bank account, or applying for permits to start a business. If you do not have a relationship with someone's someone who is related to someone's someone in that particular office, well, you can either wait for eternity for the approval to come forth, or I am warned by well-wishing friends, I have to pay people under the table!! If you know someone's relative or a really close friend who is in a very high position, then God has been very good to you! These are highly qualified officials, and no, you cannot bribe them, and they are extremely professional! The problem is that you can never know enough of them in the different departments and offices that you need to go and get approvals!

On the other hand, if you do know of someone lower down in the food chain who happened to have been one of the 786 guests at your distant relative's mother-in-law's cousin's wedding, you better learn some breathing techniques that will help you gain the virtue of patience, and long suffering...... and do pray!

Rules..... well, most of us don't care for them, but after moving here to India I miss them terribly. For once I want to see a neatly published document that gives an actual process to get something done..... all spelled out neatly in black and white.... no guess work, nothing nebulous.... oh, give me a hundred rules to get to the end, where I can just follow one step after another and get to the end, knowing that it is completed, mail it to the right address that is spelled out clearly on the form, and expect a reply within a month.... yes, I miss rules, regulations, regular processes...... no, nothing is straight forward here....

It is as if, had it been, it would be too simple and easy and of course you alone can handle it all by yourself, and you are not "forced" to have relationships..... I mean, relatioships become optional. But because there are no straight forward anything here, you NEED people to interpret, and most of all people to "help you out". It is as if everything is deliberately designed here to be complicated and blurry so you don't become too independent and self-sufficient. It is as though, people will miss having a relationship with you, and "doing favors" for you, ...... yes, sooner or later because you need people desperately, you expect "favors" from all your relationships.... relatives, friends, and even acquaintances that you barely met a few days ago in your neighbor's mother in law's cousin's wedding, and you become obligated to everybody! You CANNOT function here independent of others' help.

There is no way around this "system"...... you absolutely need people to help you to accomplish even simple things every day.... and people are most obliging! They know how the system works, and they are happy to tell you that nothing works or gets done if you don't know anybody, and yes, they will do everything possible to introduce you to their "connections". For instance, a friend of mine this morning that I have known just the last couple of months here, was discussing with me on how to get the permits that I need for the Lighthouse project to move forward ..... she mentioned with all sincerity a so-and-so this and that from Church, and then had a brilliant idea ..... "Ah", she said, "I know this person in the train that I have travelled with a couple of times who works for that office.... I don't know what she does, but she works in that office, and I can talk to her and find out if you can go through her ....." And this is the way it is...... strangers in the train become "friends" who are willing to help another stranger's "strange friend". ....

I suppose as time goes by and I get to meet more people and get invited to participate as the 787th guest in my neighbor's mother in law's cousin's wedding, I too have to and will be expected, and obligated to help others around me..... not only because I am an exceptionally obliging person :)), but also because I am obligated to do so. After all they helped me by connecting me to all their relatives, friends, and acquaintances when I needed to get things done..... so then it will be my turn to do so. If I refuse and become self-centered, then I must not only expect to lose all my relationships, but also their favors and connections, and consequently I cannot expect to get anything done beyond a certain point. I will be forced to develop patience, and long, long- suffering (mostly suffering)! And that is how the entire fabric of this culture is based on RELATIONSHIPS.